03 - What does enjoyment really look like?
May you be looking forward to your hot girl, hot boy, or hot person summer and I hope it’s filled with things that actually fill your cup. Summer is often a time when we let our hair down, and do fun things outside while the weather is warm, and for some, we spend a little more time being social. But, have you ever felt depleted towards the end of summer? Maybe did you drink a little more than planned? Or possibly did you make some decision that now has left you feeling a little weary? Friend, we’ve all been there, done that, and gotten the t-shirt. It’s my hope to help you set some intentions for this summer and have to be a time when you truly felt joy.
I write this blog post today as I far too often see clients, and even myself, get swept up in the moment. You later realize you didn’t want to spend all day out with friends or don’t enjoy drinking by the river. I write this blog post today as a reminder that it's okay to set boundaries with others and even yourself.
Let’s start off by talking about what are boundaries. In day 2 of my free 7-day journaling change I define the most basic version of boundaries as “ a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.” So why is knowing this definition important to having a good time? Well, if you don’t know what you are not okay with you may unintentionally cross your own boundaries thus causing you to feel some of those unpleasant feelings I stated earlier.
Take some time to think about some of the activities you are planning or want to plan for this summer. Great, you got some ideas in mind? Now, think about how things did not go well in the past or if there are people in your life who often make things more difficult for you. You may want to jot some of these ideas down. Take your time, there is no need to rush!
Keep that in your mind, I now want you to imagine what boundaries you may want to set with yourself or you may need to set with someone else. Some examples can look like:
I will only have 2 drinks tonight.
I need to leave at _ time from this outing so I can get to bed on time.
I ask that you don’t make any comments about my body, if not I can't go to the pool with you.
I will budget this much money for the weekend. I will not go over my budget.
I am unable to spend the night, I plan to leave at _ time.
I hope you get the idea! Keep in mind that you should be firm with your boundaries and if others (or yourself) do not respect them make sure you take action toward repeating your boundary or end the activity early. Please, also remember that sometimes we are the hardest with ourselves, so having boundaries about how you will speak or treat yourself is also important to ensure you have a successful time away filled with joy.
Lastly, let's take a second to reflect on what it feels like to really enjoy something. First, I will start with a story! I come from a long line of people who enjoy donuts (bet you didn’t think this story would be about donuts!). I have lots of good memories and traditions around donuts. About 2 years ago, my partner and I woke up one morning and the first words out of my mouth were “Babe let’s get donuts today.” So we did. We went to this lovely donut shop in Santa Rosa that made really fancy donuts. I was so excited and I was very careful in picking just the right one that would delight me. We sit down and I take a bite. At this time in my own therapy, I was practicing being more mindful around food. As I sat there I ate my donut. I liked how it looked, check. It had a great smell, check. It was still warm in my hand and that felt nice, check. But as I bit into it I noticed I didn’t like the texture of it in my mouth. The flavor was great, but I did actually enjoy it. This is when I realized, “My god, I don’t like donuts!” I reflected on all the times from the past, then to I didn't really like the texture of donuts. I did realize that I liked the memories associated with eating donuts. Also, just be clear, I don’t hate donuts, but I just don’t prefer them over a croissant or other pastries.
This story is an antidote to remind you to actually take a second to be mindful of the experience you are having and truly ask yourself, “Do I like this.” A great way to know is to move through the 5 senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch). Really think through each one and ask yourself do you enjoy it. If you find that it’s 10’s across the board, GREAT! But if you find that it falls a bit flat ask yourself, what could make this better or is this possibly something I no longer want to do?
With that, get out there and truly enjoy yourself. Remember you deserve happiness. Don’t stop yourself from this pleasure simply out of the need to please others or a lack of connection with yourself.