11 - How my experience of having a preterm baby and a glass of water have something in common.
Mid last year I unexpectedly went into labor three months early. At the end of a four-day endeavor, I delivered a very small baby boy. Like most births this is very exciting however, my journey would start by leaving the hospital the following day without my child in tow. My husband and I would spend the next consecutive 52 days driving back-and-forth to the hospital, sometimes that round trip being a total of 3 hours in the car.
During this time I frequently received comments like, "You are handling things so well" or "You should be leading groups for mothers who have preterm babies." I was often shocked by these comments as I was only taking things day by day and focusing on what was in front of me. Yes, were there times I had full and utter breakdowns after Googling something or future tripping? Absolutely! But for the most part, I accepted that I could not change the situation and just did what I needed to do. It was later named, by my older sister, that I was engaging in the practice of radical acceptance.
The only time I was pulled away from radically accepting the journey I was on would be when reading parenting books for new mothers, listening to podcasts about the NICU, or talking to friends about their experience with their third trimester and bringing their baby home. It was not until talking with my therapist that I processed how it felt uncomfortable for people to make those comments and the grief that "I didn't get to have the usual pregnancy and birthing experience." In those moments I was comparing myself to others. These were the times that I felt the worst and bogged down by my sadness and anxiety.
In most cases, people say I am someone who sees life as a glass of water half full. And yes, I am a very optimistic person. However, based on this experience with my son I realize that it's not that I am this wildly optimistic person and always see life glass half full. But in reality, I am accepting that the glass of water is simply that, a glass of water. This is the practice of racial acceptance and being in the “here and now.” It was only when I was out of the alignment of these practices that I would struggle the most. From the moment I was going to the hospital in the middle of the night thinking I was just dehydrated to being quickly wheeled into a delivery room four days later after my water broke, I took it one step at a time.
I don't share this as a way to gloat and pretend that I have it all together, but to illustrate the importance of accepting what's right in front of you for what it is. Now, this does not happen overnight, or even after a month of practicing it here and there. This is a continuous practice of seeing the world as it is and trying your best to "be in the moment." I will say, "being in the moment" is one of the hardest things to do as it's so hard to pin down. You are constantly entering "the moment" and leaving it all at the same time. You can start by practicing feeling a state of calm in your body, maybe close your eyes for a moment and just notice yourself breathing. Now, open your eyes and look around. Simply look at your environment for what it is, not judging, changing, wishing, and so on, just view it as a glass of water.
*If you have not read my post about being let down please do so here! The techniques discussed in that post also helped a lot in getting through this experience.